One of the most common things I see in people who write to
me is something we all share: disappointment in ourselves.
We all feel this, because we constantly fail to live up to
our standards:
We aren’t as disciplined as we’d like.
We don’t stick to habits we’re trying to create.
We aren’t as productive as we plan to be.
We leave small personal tasks and large work tasks undone.
We fail in exercising as much as we’d like, and eating as
healthily as we want.
We fail in being the best parent, partner, friend, as we
think we should be.
We should, we should, but we don’t. And that is frustrating
and disappointing. We all feel it, so much of the day.
A friend of mine wrote to me about her disappointment in
herself to do all the things she’d hoped to do, and I saw myself in her: I am
never all that I hope to be. I constantly fail, like everyone else.
So what can we do about it? I’ll share some of the
strategies I’ve been using lately to deal with this, and hope that this post
can serve as a guide to all of us (myself included) in dealing with these
difficult feelings.
Step 1: Noticing the Signals
The first step, as always, is awareness: pause right now and
turn inward, to see if you are feeling frustrated or disappointed with yourself
for anything.
Are there any goals you haven’t accomplished? Habits you
haven’t stuck to? Eating you haven’t done perfectly? Relationships you’re not
being good at? Skills you’d like to learn that you haven’t devoted time to?
Errands or tasks that aren’t getting done? Projects that you’ve procrastinated
on?
What kinds of feelings come up for you? These feelings are
signals that you have expectations of yourself that you aren’t meeting. We all
have them, all the time, and we can’t help but continually hope we’ll do
better. These expectations aren’t realistic, but when we fail to meet them, we
tend to think they’re realistic but it’s our actual selves that are the
failure.
Step 2: Giving Yourself Space
Now that we see the signals, we want to give these feelings
a little space. Allow them to be here in us, without trying to push them away,
without wishing we didn’t have them.
Give the feelings a little breathing room.
How do these feelings feel in your body? Where are they?
What kind of energy do they have?
See that you’re feeling bad (“suffering,” the Buddhists
would say) and know that this is normal, and perfectly OK.
Step 3: Giving Yourself Compassion
If your friend were hurting like this, how would you comfort
this friend? Could you give her a hug, some words of compassion, some love?
Take a moment and do the same for you. You are no less
worthy of a hug, some love, some kind words. As silly as it might seem, tell
yourself you deserve this compassion.
Step 4: See the Greatness of the Present
Now that we’ve comforted ourselves a bit, let’s change the
story we’re telling ourselves.
The story so far has been: you aren’t good at X. (Whatever X
is.) And so we feel bad about not being good at X.
Let’s turn from the self we haven’t been, to the self we
have been. This self might have “failed” at X, but it has also succeeded in
lots of other ways. This self has tried. It has gotten a lot done. It’s not
perfect, but it has good intentions. This self has been the best it can be,
even if that means imperfection. This self has cared, has loved, has strives for better, has made an effort, has wanted the best for others. Not always, but
it has. This self deserves that kind of recognition, and love for being the
best self it can be.
Now turn to the present moment: in this moment, what are you
like? What about yourself, and the moment that you’re in, can you be grateful
for? What is great about yourself, and the present moment, right now?
Step 5: Work with Curiosity
Finally, going forward, let’s practice tossing out our
expectations of how we’re going to do today (and in life in general), and
instead adopt an attitude of curiosity. We don’t know how we’re going to do at
work, or in our relationships, or with our personal habits. We can’t know. So
let’s find out: what will today be like? How will it go?
Be curious, in an attitude of not-knowings.
It’s fun to find out things!
Yes, expectations will come up for us, and we will fail to
live up to them, and we will feel frustration and disappointment again. This
will happen, and this too will be a bit disappointing, because we want to be
perfect at being curious and present. We’ll have to repeat the process when we
notice this happening. That’s OK. That’s how it works — constantly renewing,
never done.
But as we get better at this, I promise, we’ll learn to see
things with a new curiosity, with a gratitude for every moment that we meet,
and with a more loving and kind view of constantly failing but constantly
striving selves. These selves are wonderful, and that realization is worth the
ever-constant journey.
Courtsey : LEO BABAUTA
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